For the past few days I’ve felt immense pressure to post something very profound about my gastric bypass surgery coming up TOMORROW (wow – that feels weird to say). I felt like I needed to write something that inspired all of you who are struggling to lose weight and be healthier to never give up on your goals. I needed to educate and debunk myths about weight loss surgery and how it’s not just a cop-out or a quick fix – but an extreme tool to get healthy. And I felt like I needed to make it crystal clear how much the support, prayers, and encouragement all of you continually offer has meant to me. But then as I sat down to actually try and write, I realized that it sounded as though I were writing an acceptance speech for an Academy Award. And I just wasn’t feeling it.
So I just want to say that I am beyond excited. This is a journey that, on paper, began about 13 months ago. But the truth is, it has been a process that began much earlier. We’ve (I say we and not “I” because this experience has been one that has been shared by myself, my husband, my kids, my family, my church, and many of you who I’ve had private conversations with who have advised, cried, and cheered with me) had successes and failures, encouragement and discouragement, joy, anger, doubt, obstacles, and breakthroughs.
Honestly, since I first started this Stuff Your Faith thing three years ago, I have actually gained weight. A significant amount of weight truthfully. And even in this forum, where I feel almost nothing but support, I still felt shame and embarrassment to admit that. Here I am trying to inspire and teach others about things relating to losing weight while all the while, mine was slowly creeping higher and higher.
Many times I think back to the first post when, through tears, I posted my weight for all the world to see. It was my worst nightmare. But it was that shame of what I’d let happen to myself and the fear of being made fun of that was exactly what I needed to purge from my psyche. And once I made myself take that step, I realized (finally) how little that stupid number really meant to anyone other than the evil little voice in my brain telling me what a failure I was.
So here we are. The eve of the day when I’m checking myself into a hospital and having one of my major organs mostly removed. The day before I commit myself fully to embracing whatever it takes to get healthy, even if it potentially means months of not feeling well and having to give up one of the things in my life that sadly brings me a lot of joy – unhealthy food. Less than 36 hours from now and I will actually be putting my money where my mouth has been for the last three years. But this time I don’t feel like a failure. This time I feel like I’ve persevered through this process. I’ve not been perfect but I’ve been moving forward. I’ve stopped feeling so much guilt about what I let happen and I started focusing on what needed to be done to put it all behind me and get it fixed. But I especially have learned that I have something to offer and I am worth putting some hard work into.
So this time, as I tell you that my surgery weight comes in at an impressive 414 pounds, it still makes me feel uncomfortable and slightly exposed. But I’m not crying. And I’m not worried about what people are going to think. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. But most of all, I am eager. I’m eager to be able to come through this process and have my body be able to live up to the expectations my mind has for itself.
I’d also like to thank the Academy. Mom and Dad - couldn’t have done it without ya. I’d be remiss to not thank my agent, my stylist, my make-up artist…
Queue the orchestra music.
So I just want to say that I am beyond excited. This is a journey that, on paper, began about 13 months ago. But the truth is, it has been a process that began much earlier. We’ve (I say we and not “I” because this experience has been one that has been shared by myself, my husband, my kids, my family, my church, and many of you who I’ve had private conversations with who have advised, cried, and cheered with me) had successes and failures, encouragement and discouragement, joy, anger, doubt, obstacles, and breakthroughs.
Honestly, since I first started this Stuff Your Faith thing three years ago, I have actually gained weight. A significant amount of weight truthfully. And even in this forum, where I feel almost nothing but support, I still felt shame and embarrassment to admit that. Here I am trying to inspire and teach others about things relating to losing weight while all the while, mine was slowly creeping higher and higher.
Many times I think back to the first post when, through tears, I posted my weight for all the world to see. It was my worst nightmare. But it was that shame of what I’d let happen to myself and the fear of being made fun of that was exactly what I needed to purge from my psyche. And once I made myself take that step, I realized (finally) how little that stupid number really meant to anyone other than the evil little voice in my brain telling me what a failure I was.
So here we are. The eve of the day when I’m checking myself into a hospital and having one of my major organs mostly removed. The day before I commit myself fully to embracing whatever it takes to get healthy, even if it potentially means months of not feeling well and having to give up one of the things in my life that sadly brings me a lot of joy – unhealthy food. Less than 36 hours from now and I will actually be putting my money where my mouth has been for the last three years. But this time I don’t feel like a failure. This time I feel like I’ve persevered through this process. I’ve not been perfect but I’ve been moving forward. I’ve stopped feeling so much guilt about what I let happen and I started focusing on what needed to be done to put it all behind me and get it fixed. But I especially have learned that I have something to offer and I am worth putting some hard work into.
So this time, as I tell you that my surgery weight comes in at an impressive 414 pounds, it still makes me feel uncomfortable and slightly exposed. But I’m not crying. And I’m not worried about what people are going to think. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. But most of all, I am eager. I’m eager to be able to come through this process and have my body be able to live up to the expectations my mind has for itself.
I’d also like to thank the Academy. Mom and Dad - couldn’t have done it without ya. I’d be remiss to not thank my agent, my stylist, my make-up artist…
Queue the orchestra music.
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