This battle with losing weight has, hands down, been the most deeply frustrating thing I’ve had to deal with in recent history. It has been eye opening and I feel as though I have not just hit a wall, but am actually adding bricks on top of the wall to make it more difficult to break through later. I don’t know if it is some subconscious attempt at self sabotage or if it is just laziness and lack of self control, but it’s probably a little of both. Since I have started this blog, I’ve actually gained about ten pounds. It feels worse to me to say THAT than it did when I initially told you my weight. It is not fun posting your private failings in a public manner. But since that’s how I chose to hold my self accountable in the beginning, I am determined to keep on doing it.
I just wrapped up a Biggest Loser contest with a bunch of friends from the church I am a member of. I was the one who started it and coordinated all of the weigh ins and challenges. There was around $700 at stake to whoever lost the highest percentage of weight at the end of the ten weeks. Do you know how helpful $700 would be? But that was not a big enough motivator for me to give it my all. The challenges faded and the support that I had hoped to provide to everyone in the contest never really manifested itself in reality - all of the good ideas stayed in my head, just floating around.
Two children in the last two weeks have told me that I look like I am going to have a baby. I could park in Stork Parking and people probably wouldn’t think twice about it. I had to put a shirt up because it kept riding up and showing my belly like the old cartoon character Baby Huey. I had to request a table instead of a booth at a local restaurant because it was too tight of a fit and I had a hard time driving my parents car because my stomach was touching the wheel. And yet I continue to eat foods I know are bad for me.
My blood pressure has been up again recently. I did something to my back that causes weird pain on and off throughout the day. I get winded more easily. We aren’t poor enough for Medicaid but can’t afford private health insurance because of my pre-existing condition and my health risks. So because of the choices that I have made, I have put myself and my family in a situation that is more stressful than it should be. But on the way home from a long trip, I went through a drive thru and got a 20 piece nugget meal which I ate by myself over the three hour trip.
It’s totally embarrassing and I can almost physically feel my guilt in my body when I think about it. I play a constant record in my head that just says, “You’ve got to get this under control, you’ve got to get this under control.” And I do. I have GOT to get myself under better control. The part that really makes me mad is that I KNOW what to do. It’s all about the food for me right now. I can do the exercise and drink the water. I’ve got to learn to pass up things that aren’t good for me. I know that I need to be determined to make the healthy choice every time. I seem to be able to do this well for about a week, maybe two, tops. Then I get bored or frustrated with the constant calculation of calories, the effort of having to read labels and look things up online before I eat them. I don’t like spending the extra money on some of the healthier foods. But I KNOW that I need to…regardless of how I feel. And I know that I need to trust in powers larger than myself to help me through it.
So there it is. The post that I’ve been avoiding for a month. I am not giving up - I AM going to get this under control. Hopefully, three months from now I will be singing a different, much cheerier tune. Hopefully I’ll be the person saying, “If I can do it, anyone can do it.”
Stick with me people…don’t give up on me yet. I am in a valley for the moment but I’ve got nowhere to go but back up the hill again.
I just wrapped up a Biggest Loser contest with a bunch of friends from the church I am a member of. I was the one who started it and coordinated all of the weigh ins and challenges. There was around $700 at stake to whoever lost the highest percentage of weight at the end of the ten weeks. Do you know how helpful $700 would be? But that was not a big enough motivator for me to give it my all. The challenges faded and the support that I had hoped to provide to everyone in the contest never really manifested itself in reality - all of the good ideas stayed in my head, just floating around.
Two children in the last two weeks have told me that I look like I am going to have a baby. I could park in Stork Parking and people probably wouldn’t think twice about it. I had to put a shirt up because it kept riding up and showing my belly like the old cartoon character Baby Huey. I had to request a table instead of a booth at a local restaurant because it was too tight of a fit and I had a hard time driving my parents car because my stomach was touching the wheel. And yet I continue to eat foods I know are bad for me.
My blood pressure has been up again recently. I did something to my back that causes weird pain on and off throughout the day. I get winded more easily. We aren’t poor enough for Medicaid but can’t afford private health insurance because of my pre-existing condition and my health risks. So because of the choices that I have made, I have put myself and my family in a situation that is more stressful than it should be. But on the way home from a long trip, I went through a drive thru and got a 20 piece nugget meal which I ate by myself over the three hour trip.
It’s totally embarrassing and I can almost physically feel my guilt in my body when I think about it. I play a constant record in my head that just says, “You’ve got to get this under control, you’ve got to get this under control.” And I do. I have GOT to get myself under better control. The part that really makes me mad is that I KNOW what to do. It’s all about the food for me right now. I can do the exercise and drink the water. I’ve got to learn to pass up things that aren’t good for me. I know that I need to be determined to make the healthy choice every time. I seem to be able to do this well for about a week, maybe two, tops. Then I get bored or frustrated with the constant calculation of calories, the effort of having to read labels and look things up online before I eat them. I don’t like spending the extra money on some of the healthier foods. But I KNOW that I need to…regardless of how I feel. And I know that I need to trust in powers larger than myself to help me through it.
So there it is. The post that I’ve been avoiding for a month. I am not giving up - I AM going to get this under control. Hopefully, three months from now I will be singing a different, much cheerier tune. Hopefully I’ll be the person saying, “If I can do it, anyone can do it.”
Stick with me people…don’t give up on me yet. I am in a valley for the moment but I’ve got nowhere to go but back up the hill again.
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