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The Uphill Battle

8/6/2013

2 Comments

 
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This battle with losing weight has, hands down, been the most deeply frustrating thing I’ve had to deal with in recent history.  It has been eye opening and I feel as though I have not just hit a wall, but am actually adding bricks on top of the wall to make it more difficult to break through later.  I don’t know if it is some subconscious attempt at self sabotage or if it is just laziness and lack of self control, but it’s probably a little of both.  Since I have started this blog, I’ve actually gained about ten pounds.  It feels worse to me to say THAT than it did when I initially told you my weight.  It is not fun posting your private failings in a public manner.  But since that’s how I chose to hold my self accountable in the beginning, I am determined to keep on doing it.

I just wrapped up a Biggest Loser contest with a bunch of friends from the church I am a member of.  I was the one who started it and coordinated all of the weigh ins and challenges.  There was around $700 at stake to whoever lost the highest percentage of weight at the end of the ten weeks.  Do you know how helpful $700 would be?  But that was not a big enough motivator for me to give it my all.  The challenges faded and the support that I had hoped to provide to everyone in the contest never really manifested itself in reality - all of the good ideas stayed in my head, just floating around.

Two children in the last two weeks have told me that I look like I am going to have a baby.  I could park in Stork Parking and people probably wouldn’t think twice about it.  I had to put a shirt up because it kept riding up and showing my belly like the old cartoon character Baby Huey. I had to request a table instead of a booth at a local restaurant because it was too tight of a fit and I had a hard time driving my parents car because my stomach was touching the wheel.  And yet I continue to eat foods I know are bad for me.

My blood pressure has been up again recently.  I did something to my back that causes weird pain on and off throughout the day.  I get winded more easily.  We aren’t poor enough for Medicaid but can’t afford private health insurance because of my pre-existing condition and my health risks.  So because of the choices that I have made, I have put myself and my family in a situation that is more stressful than it should be.  But on the way home from a long trip, I went through a drive thru and got a 20 piece nugget meal which I ate by myself over the three hour trip.

It’s totally embarrassing and I can almost physically feel my guilt in my body when I think about it.  I play a constant record in my head that just says, “You’ve got to get this under control, you’ve got to get this under control.”  And I do.  I have GOT to get myself under better control.  The part that really makes me mad is that I KNOW what to do.  It’s all about the food for me right now.  I can do the exercise and drink the water.  I’ve got to learn to pass up things that aren’t good for me. I know that I need to be determined to make the healthy choice every time.  I seem to be able to do this well for about a week, maybe two, tops.  Then I get bored or frustrated with the constant calculation of calories, the effort of having to read labels and look things up online before I eat them.  I don’t like spending the extra money on some of the healthier foods.  But I KNOW that I need to…regardless of how I feel.  And I know that I need to trust in powers larger than myself to help me through it.

So there it is.  The post that I’ve been avoiding for a month.  I am not giving up - I AM going to get this under control.  Hopefully, three months from now I will be singing a different, much cheerier tune.  Hopefully I’ll be the person saying, “If I can do it, anyone can do it.”

Stick with me people…don’t give up on me yet.  I am in a valley for the moment but I’ve got nowhere to go but back up the hill again.

2 Comments
Roberta
8/6/2013 01:19:05 pm

What a courageous post! Please know that you aren't alone!! I continue to sabotage myself...you could have been writing about me! I have gained 9 pounds since starting my "healthy trek" and recently had to buy larger pants :/ I just want to reiterate that you aren't alone. Message me, maybe we can help each other?? Accountability partners?? Exercise pals?? I certainly need help!

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Dana
8/6/2013 07:30:01 pm

Rhonda, let me start by telling you how much I appreciate the total honesty in your post. Next let me say...get out of my head!! Everything you describe is what I got through all the time. The self-sabotage is the worse. Changing the voice in my head is a battle for me. I am about to start a biggest loser challenge at work and the minute I agreed to do it I regretted it. I hope you know that even though I don't live where you do, I am still here to support you day or night. I love you!

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