Thinking about that shirt got me thinking about other thoughts I had back then surrounding my weight.
- I remember wondering if he was actually attracted to me.
- I wondered if he was embarrassed to introduce me to his friends.
- I remember being embarrassed when we'd do something sports related and I'd get out of breath before him (despite the fact that he was very athletic and probably had more stamina than most people - even the ones who were in shape).
- I even remember thinking he could do so much better and if I wasn't careful, he was going to wake up and realize it.
Fast forward to today - eleven happy years, 2 beautiful sons, and 150 pounds later. My thoughts have changed.
- I know that he loves me and is attracted to me.
- I know that he sees me as a asset to his life and is proud of who I am.
- I feel so comfortable with him that I couldn't care less if he sees me hyperventilating and sweaty.
- And while I still do think that he deserves better, I now think he just deserves a better ME, not someone else.
Today is my birthday (thanks to my sister Allison for doing the math and proving to me that I am turning 38, not 39). My goal is that two years from today I will have lost 200 pounds.
In order to help me reach this goal, I am going to make a vision board. A vision board is exactly what it sounds like. It's a board or poster where you put pictures, sayings, scriptures, or basically whatever you want to put on it in order to remind you of your goals and your vision. It is just a physical reminder that helps you to keep your motivation in the front of your mind and provide clarity to the end result.
This picture is going to be the first thing I put on it. I want to be better for me, but I also want to be better for my husband.
- He deserves someone who is going to be there for him until he is old and gray(er).
- He works hard to keep himself healthy and in shape for me (he pretty much looks exactly the same as he did then *gag*), and I want to get back to looking and feeling like the woman he married.
- I love him with all my heart and hate to see him upset. I know that the mental stress I put myself through about my weight causes him to feel helpless because he wants to make me feel better and he can't fix it...only I can.
- He loves tennis and I've NEVER played a game with him (unless you count the time he served towards me and I ran away from the ball that seemed to be coming at me at warp speed). I want to be able to go to the park or the gym and actually be able to make it look like we are playing a real match - not like some guy whizzing balls at a screaming, ducking newbie.
Long story short, I love Alfred. I love the way that he has loved me for the past twelve years (if you count the time we dated). He is a one of the major reasons I want to be better. On the days when I feel like I am not worth the effort, I will look at my new vision board and remember that it's not just about me any more.