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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

4/4/2013

10 Comments

 
Picture
Keeping it real, here are the voices that are in my head tonight:

“Only four days in and you’ve already fallen off the wagon.”

“You don’t have the self-control to follow through to the end.”

“You are gross.”

“If you tell the people who are supporting you about your failures today, it will discourage them in their own journeys.”

While cooking tonight, I ate at least a serving of roast before I even sat down at the table.  While I nibbled, I kept an eye on the kitchen door to make sure that nobody was looking.  I was sneaking food and I’m not even sure from who.  It’s not like my husband or child were going to shame or scold me if they knew.  And if I would’ve gone for seconds in the meal, there would have been no comments made or knowing glances shot at me.

Instead of Doritos or ice cream, tonight for a snack, I chose baby carrots and hummus.  Half way through eating them, I knew I should stop.  I didn’t.  I kept on.  I was controlled by my desire.  My actions were dictated by the taste of the food.  Rather than utilizing self-control, I ate a snack that in total added up to around 850 calories…give or take a carrot.  I ate the entire container of hummus.

I didn’t have a bad day.  I wasn’t stressed or bored or lonely.  As a matter of fact, it was a pretty good day.  I was productive, I had the energy and motivation to take a long walk with my family.  I ate well for breakfast and lunch.  I have no good reason why it all fell apart this evening.

So what is the healthy way to deal with failure?  Do I embrace, internalize, and remember the guilt?   Remember it so that the next time I get the urge to binge, I’ll remember this feeling?  Or do I just brush myself off and chalk it up to a moment of weakness that happens to the best of people?  Are failures part of the process that I will need to accept?  This is the mental battle I am fighting tonight.

I admit that my inner voice is negative tonight.  But I have faith in God’s promises.  I still believe that he has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me.  I believe in the power of prayer - and I know that there are lots of people praying for my success.

In the big picture, I still am not exactly sure how to deal with the failures…but I know that RIGHT NOW, I need to keep everything in the open and stay accountable to myself and to all of you.  When I stop doing that, that’s when it will all go to pot.  I’m determined to not let that happen.

And to the voice in my head that keeps feeding me the negativity, I just need to utilize God’s advice…right now, that’s the best tool I have.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8


10 Comments
Tina
4/4/2013 08:39:18 pm

I appreciate your honesty! I had a similar experience myself yesterday and I am disappointed in myself.

Don't give up! You are on a journey, don't let getting off track keep you from getting to your goal. "Today is a new day with no mistakes in it" and you can start over - again and again.

Today I will focus on Psalm 16:11 when I want to fill the void inside myself with food. "You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand"

Thanks for sticking with this blog.

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Sheila
4/4/2013 08:55:01 pm

I love your writing, very helpful!

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Heather
4/4/2013 10:03:01 pm

Setbacks are absolutely part of the process. Food addiction is worse than any other addiction bc you can't quit it! It is ALWAYS around you. You need it to live. Our eating habits are established at a very early age. You didn't just start making poor choices yesterday. It is a process. Your body will resist. The most important thing is how you react to this resistance. Do not beat yourself up! You ARE making changes. The results will be slow-coming, but very rewarding. You need to do this for yourself because you are worth it! One of the moat rewarding things though is when you see the positive effect it will have on your family. You can do this Rhonda Marcus!!!

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Jean Murphy
4/4/2013 10:46:48 pm

Rhonda, I know the feeling, we have to pick ourselves up, shake off the dirt and get back on the wagon. You can do this. All things are possible through Jesus Christ our Lord. Love you

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Julie Adams link
4/4/2013 11:30:25 pm

Rhonda...because of our failures, Jesus had to be our sacrifice. Whether it be spiritual failures or emotional failures, the will to survive past it all must come from loving ourselves. When we eat knowing it is an emotional behavior, we sabbotage ourselves. It is like cutting ourselves to hide the real pain going on inside our lives.

LEARN to love yourself. Christ already loves you...now it is your turn.

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Marie link
4/4/2013 11:48:31 pm

When God led His people out of Egyptian bondage, did they have setbacks? Absolutely. Did He stick by them even when they wanted to return back to their old lives? He did. The Hebrews were familiar with Egypt and their lives of slavery even as harsh as it was they no doubt felt somewhat in control because they at least knew what to expect. This land of promise they wanted but getting there took faith and reliance on their Leader. What God was offering them was something they desperately wanted but it was unfamiliar and very scary. They were entering unchartered territories, as you are in your journey. Stay focused on the One that is leading you Rhonda. Don't look back!

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Cari link
4/5/2013 12:06:50 am

I have had this too. Over and over again. Now I have a few 'rules' I follow. I try to not let 'rules' rule me...but I find that when I don't try to change everything at once and I just start with one or two rules - I do better. Even though I know I will break the rules sometimes. I know what I am supposed to be doing (or so I tell myself) - For instance, my two rules right now are - no eating after dinner time and no refined sugars (ie sugar snacks) - all else is game. If I want to eat three portions of meat at dinner I do. WHY? because I know myself - I can't change all of these issues at once. I know myself, I have so many weak points when it comes to food - my body would revolt and I would never learn to change my life for the long haul if I didn't take baby steps. I am not on a diet, I am changing my life to be healthier - one step at a time. Pretty soon, my two rules will be normal life and then I can add another one and so on. This make not work for everyone, and I do break my rules every now and then... but it is helping me stay on track. - I just keep thinking in my head about Bill Murry who played Bob Wiley in "What about Bob?" - Baby steps off the elevator, baby steps down the hall, baby steps!

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Evelyn Garrett
4/5/2013 01:35:58 pm

Okay, Sweetie, this is what God taught me, first of all, before I get into it...believe God over your own thoughts, remember, He doesn't lie.
1. When you blow it, immediately say "Father, I messed up, I ask you to forgive me." MEAN IT! now, here is YOUR hard part--believe He forgives you, He forgets you messed up, AND He expects you to believe it is over, uh oh, HELLO, no guilt. Tah dah, God thinks this is neat. 2. Sounds like you were just a little unprepared, and stomach panicked and forced you to blatantly eat, and, truly, it is very hard to fight that. Somewhere I bought a bag of dried apricots. I grab one of those and chew it, slowly, very slowly, really helps mr, stomach shuts up, gives me a breather. To be prepared for all of this, I had to explain to God that this habit HAD TO be taken care of by Him, and for Him to take over...hardest part was saying, "yes, Father, I keep messing up, and I feel embarrassed to come to You again, but You said to, so please take over."

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jane. ann brock
4/5/2013 08:10:44 pm

Keep your eye on the prize.....a healthy RHONDA MARCUS..for those 3 handsome men in your life! We can do anything with God by our side!

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Bay Point swingers link
10/3/2013 11:16:34 am

Good read

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