“Only four days in and you’ve already fallen off the wagon.”
“You don’t have the self-control to follow through to the end.”
“You are gross.”
“If you tell the people who are supporting you about your failures today, it will discourage them in their own journeys.”
While cooking tonight, I ate at least a serving of roast before I even sat down at the table. While I nibbled, I kept an eye on the kitchen door to make sure that nobody was looking. I was sneaking food and I’m not even sure from who. It’s not like my husband or child were going to shame or scold me if they knew. And if I would’ve gone for seconds in the meal, there would have been no comments made or knowing glances shot at me.
Instead of Doritos or ice cream, tonight for a snack, I chose baby carrots and hummus. Half way through eating them, I knew I should stop. I didn’t. I kept on. I was controlled by my desire. My actions were dictated by the taste of the food. Rather than utilizing self-control, I ate a snack that in total added up to around 850 calories…give or take a carrot. I ate the entire container of hummus.
I didn’t have a bad day. I wasn’t stressed or bored or lonely. As a matter of fact, it was a pretty good day. I was productive, I had the energy and motivation to take a long walk with my family. I ate well for breakfast and lunch. I have no good reason why it all fell apart this evening.
So what is the healthy way to deal with failure? Do I embrace, internalize, and remember the guilt? Remember it so that the next time I get the urge to binge, I’ll remember this feeling? Or do I just brush myself off and chalk it up to a moment of weakness that happens to the best of people? Are failures part of the process that I will need to accept? This is the mental battle I am fighting tonight.
I admit that my inner voice is negative tonight. But I have faith in God’s promises. I still believe that he has a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. I believe in the power of prayer - and I know that there are lots of people praying for my success.
In the big picture, I still am not exactly sure how to deal with the failures…but I know that RIGHT NOW, I need to keep everything in the open and stay accountable to myself and to all of you. When I stop doing that, that’s when it will all go to pot. I’m determined to not let that happen.
And to the voice in my head that keeps feeding me the negativity, I just need to utilize God’s advice…right now, that’s the best tool I have.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Philippians 4:8