That's how I feel about my own weight loss journey. I feel like I've put myself out there for everyone to see. I get e-mails talking about how I am an encouragement to them during their struggles. I get messages from people asking when my next blog post is going to be. I put myself in this situation and I am super thankful for the opportunity to share in my battle with others who understand it. But as diligent as I thought I was, I fell hard. And I am struggling to get back up.
My body has suffered the effects of my poor decisions and has in turn made it even more difficult to accomplish the goals that I once had. "Had I just stayed the course in the first place I could have been 100 pounds lighter by now..." is the mantra that goes through my head multiple times a day. My view of food has gone from good to guilt ridden. Every time I eat anything that is not a fruit or vegetable I feel guilty. When I think about my lack of self-control I feel ashamed. When I think about writing on this blog I feel embarrassed. (I'm thinking I need to go re-read my previous post about shame, no?)
You know how Charles Barkley said, "I am not a role model?" Well that is what I want to say. I am not writing this blog to tell you what to do - because I obviously am a ship sailing in the wrong direction. I just hope that if you are in the same situation you can read this and feel like you aren't a freak. That's about as good as I can do at this point.
I am blessed to know a few dieticians and a personal trainer who have offered to give me some tips and guidance pro bono. I have been in the process of working with my doctor in getting some things looked at and under control so that I can be more active. I am planning on finishing my vision board that I started long ago. I am in prayer continually about which direction to take and how to get there. So now I am just working on getting my life and my brain organized enough to make some changes in the next few weeks.
Writing here regularly is going to be a big part of my new changes. My posts my be very simple at times (like "I exercised today" simple), but I am going to commit to writing SOMETHING. I feel like you guys are the most effective accountability partners I have. Thank you for continuing to support me. I love you all. (Sniff)