The whole afternoon/evening culminated in a good, old fashioned look-the-other-way-so-the-kids-don’t-see-you cry in the car on the way home from Bible study. It wasn’t JUST the weigh in I suppose. It was a culmination of things. It was a fussy baby who was inconsolable for most of the day. It was my inability to get a shower due to errands that had to be done. It was that I twisted my ankle and fell right on my face in the middle of the church building (before anyone else got there thankfully). And THEN it was stepping on the scale to see that number glaring back at me.
Granted, for the last weigh in (2 weeks ago), I hadn’t eaten dinner prior to weighing in and this time I did. Clothes are different, water retention, blah blah blah. But even if I give myself a huge leeway and say I only gained five real pounds, that is still very disappointing. I should be doing better than what I am. I am moving in the wrong direction.
I hesitate to share things that are negative sometime because I feel like I am fishing for encouragement. The truth is, I’m not. While I do appreciate it, I’m not searching for sympathy or pity - I’m just trying to be as open and real as possible with how I’m feeling because I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only one who feels this way. And for me, when I know that others fail and succeed at the same things, it gives me needed motivation to keep on. That’s why I’m sharing with you, because trust me - I would much rather tell you that I think things are going great and I am a success story in the making. But here is what I was really thinking:
“You are never going to beat this.”
“If you were serious about this, you wouldn’t be putting on weight.”
“You are letting lots of people down.”
“You are lazy.”
“You are gross.”
“You are a disappointment.” And the list goes on.
I am very aware that this is self defeating talk. Even the book of Proverbs says, “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” In theory I can tell you that. In practice, it’s very difficult for me to accept positive self-talk as truth. Maybe it’s lack of experience at success in this area? I’m not sure.
By no means am I giving up or anything. I am still just as (actually more) motivated to whip this. I just need a minute to dust myself off before I get back on the wagon that I just fell off of face first. If this were you telling ME that this was your story, I would tell you that it’s not that big of a deal. I’d tell you to take a look at your food and exercise to see what needs changing and then do it. I’d tell you that this kind of stuff is normal when you are battling your weight and you just need to fight through it. I’d tell you to pray about it a lot. I’d tell you that you have the power and the knowledge necessary for success, you just have to utilize it.
“Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3
“For the Lord will be your confidence, and will keep your foot from being caught.” Proverbs 3:26