Earlier in the day I was just happy. Happy that I was approved, happy that I was done with jumping through all of the hoops, and happy that plans were really starting to solidify, which means I can start planning accordingly.
But now the kids are in bed and the husband is sleeping and I’ve got a bad case of the feels. And the feels are all over the place.
First, I’m feeling all sorts of gratitude. To God for letting me be as relatively healthy as I am despite my weight. To my husband, family, friends and church for just always being positive and encouraging. I don‘t have anyone in my immediate circle who is harassing me about my choice. From what I hear, that‘s unusual. And I‘m even feeling gratitude to my country (I told you my feelings were all over the place). But seriously - there are people in other countries who die from lack of antibiotics and despite my political gripes against the healthcare industry here, I am beyond blessed to be given this opportunity with very little cost out of my own pocket. I truly believe it will save my life.
Right after the gratitude comes the fear. Fear of the surgery of itself. I’ve never had a problem with anesthesia before, but I’ve also never been under for longer than a few minutes. So that’s a little nerve-wracking. Fear of the post-surgery pain. I know that’s coming - just gotta suck that one up. Oh. And there is the fear of breaking up with my long time friend…food. It’s been a love/hate relationship for so long and breaking the ties with the love side does scare me. What if I can’t kick old habits and five years from now I’ll be back in the same boat that I am in now. As of right now, I feel very determined that will NOT be the case but there is a little flicker of doubt in my wired-for-weightloss-failure brain. Just gotta keep reminding myself that I really believe that God has led me here. I may not trust myself, but I trust Him and that is enough for me right now.
But the biggest emotion I feel is anticipation. I can’t wait to experience some of the things that I’ve been missing out on over the past ____ years of my life. Getting off of all of these stinking blood pressure medications. Being able to walk for over a mile without having to ice down my feet the next day. Shopping for fashionable clothes in a real life store instead of online. And who knows…MAYBE even might be able to find something decent in my size at a thrift store. I look forward to being able to catch my three year old and whip his behind. That was a joke so don’t freak out on me. Well, kind of a joke. One of my best friends laughed at me tonight as I yelled across our church building (to tell the Tasmanian devil to stop running and yelling) because my friend knew that if the tot-of-terror didn’t stop running, I wasn’t going to do anything. But that’s mainly because I can’t catch the sucker. But his day is coming. Mwuahahaha. Seriously though - just being able to keep up with the kids and my husband physically will be a major blessing. Vacations, parks, and even just things around the house will take on a whole new feel.
So many feelings. I could keep going but I won’t. It’s 1:07 a.m. and I’m listening to a YouTube play list that’s apparently custom made to make me cry. Adele, Alicia Keys, some old K-Ci and JoJo song that came out when Alfred and I were dating and even a little Dance with my Father by Luther Vandross. If I don’t turn this off soon and go to bed I may not make it to surgery day.
For those of you who actually choose to read about my life and thoughts - thank you. You’d be surprised how much knowing you are watching has kept me going.