I’m not there with weight loss…but I’m o.k. with that. I don’t want to be a total sellout to my physical body. I feel like I’m doing well. Sure, I do need to put even more effort in than what I do (and I am working on that), but I do not want my life to be defined by a measurement of how much or little gravity it takes to keep me on the ground.
I’m not there with my family, and again - I am at peace with that knowledge. Are they the most important people on this earth to me? Yes. Would I die for them? I would like to say that I would. At times I do I obsess with thoughts surrounding my marriage and the well-being of my kids? More than I probably should. But even in that, I’m not completely sold out to them. There is still a small part of me that is reserved for things that are more important.
I AM completely sold out to God. I can finally say that.
That doesn’t mean that I have achieved some level of goodness that has been set before me. I sin. Sometimes I sin a lot. It does not mean that I am doing everything I should or accepting everything God is trying to offer me. I can be lazy and I can feel unworthy. And it doesn’t mean that I understand all things spiritual. Sometimes I read my Bible and despite re-reading the same 5 verses over and over, I can’t even grasp what the main topic is.
What it does mean is that I am finally in a place in my life where I realize that no matter what it is that I am doing or facing, there is only one thing that matters. One. There is only One way for the deep problems of my life and in the world in general to be healed. I can look to money, education, family, medication, counseling, or other people to make me better and rescue me from the dark places where I sometimes fall, but ultimately none of that will work.
I’m sold. I’m sold on the fact that God is the only way. HIS will for me is the only one that will work. And it wasn’t until I let go of my own will and collapsed into that truth that I found peace.
And now that I have tasted that freedom, I can’t help but want to stop and scream at people who I still see striving to do things their own way. I want to take my heart that is filled with gratitude and trust in God and put it in the body of the person who is stressing and clawing to try and find solutions to their problems. I just want them to feel, for just one second, how freeing it is to be sold out. Dying to myself (to my own thoughts about what is best for me) and just doing what God leads me to do doesn’t sound like it would be pleasant, I know. But in a very real way, giving up control and letting someone else (someone with an all encompassing and eternal perspective of things) take the wheel, is incredible.
Jesus said he is THE WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIFE. He is the only way. His is the only truth. He is the only way to have true life. Just keep reading and saying that over and over until it sinks in. When it finally hits you and you embrace it, He will change you from the inside out and give you the peace that passes all understanding.
But it has to be completely. (Did I already mention that?)