For a while now I've been flatlining. I'm yelling "CLEAR" because I'm using this blog like the paddles doctors use when trying to shock someone's heart back to life.
Several months back, I made what I thought to be one of my most hardcore and sincere efforts to lose weight. I avoided the scales for over a month and when I went to the doctor for a weight check expecting a significant loss, I was crushed when I found out I had actually put weight on. It was the knockout punch. It hit every wound that I have regarding weight loss. My lack of belief in myself was validated in that moment. My motivation was swept out from underneath me in a matter of seconds. When I saw the number on the scale, I immediately rebuilt walls of protection around my heart, even mentally scolding myself for actually feeling hope that there would be a happy outcome. I told myself I should have known better. I had failed again. I had always failed. I would continue to fail.
There were times when I wanted to reconnect with that drive that had previously pushed me forward, but I just couldn't connect. My inability to emotionally connect with the process just perpetuated my deadness. The lies built and built until I had gotten to a point where I pushed away all thoughts regarding my health and my weight and just acted like it wasn't an issue.
My body reminded me that it is an issue. New issues, aches, and pains forced me to look in the mirror once again. And I mean that literally. My level of disgust with myself usually caused me to avert my eyes whenever I saw a mirror that reflected anything but my face. But this day, several weeks ago, I made myself stop and look. And as corny and as dumb as I felt doing it, I made myself try to see me how others see me. Instead of focusing on my flappy arms and hanging belly, I mentally listed things that I know my friends and family love about me.
In the moment, it didn't help at all, but I see now how it started a chain of thinking that has gotten me back to a point where I am at least no longer listless and indifferent.
I've been wanting to start blogging again for a while now. I've had several people ask what in the world was going on with Stuff Your Faith and my response has consistently been, "I've been meaning to get back to it but just don't know what to write." And honestly, I still don't know what to write.
So I will just start where I started in the beginning - with being honest.
- After several ups and downs, I currently weigh more than I did when I started this blog.
- One of the major things that prevented me from starting to write again is my embarrassment over the first bullet point. I almost feel the need to apologize profusely to everyone who has rooted me on over the past year. And while I know that apologizing is unnecessary, the urge is still there.
- It is amazing to me how hard it is to deny your flesh.
- It is equally amazing to me how much easier it is to control your flesh when you think spiritually.
- It is amazing to me how easy it is to not think spiritually.
I am not typically one for self promotion, but if you know someone who is in the midst of a lifelong battle with their weight, or someone who has beaten this beast, share me with them. Not for their sake, but for my own. I am convinced that the more people I meet (even if it is just online) who can say, "YES! I know what you mean!", the more hope I have. And right now, that is what I am still clinging too - hope that it will all work out in the end.
Going forward, I plan on continuing to write here in hopes that I will at least have an outlet that will force me into a state of honest self-evaluation. Please pray for my progress. My body is not my own anymore and I don't want it to be returned to sender before it's time!
Several months back, I made what I thought to be one of my most hardcore and sincere efforts to lose weight. I avoided the scales for over a month and when I went to the doctor for a weight check expecting a significant loss, I was crushed when I found out I had actually put weight on. It was the knockout punch. It hit every wound that I have regarding weight loss. My lack of belief in myself was validated in that moment. My motivation was swept out from underneath me in a matter of seconds. When I saw the number on the scale, I immediately rebuilt walls of protection around my heart, even mentally scolding myself for actually feeling hope that there would be a happy outcome. I told myself I should have known better. I had failed again. I had always failed. I would continue to fail.
There were times when I wanted to reconnect with that drive that had previously pushed me forward, but I just couldn't connect. My inability to emotionally connect with the process just perpetuated my deadness. The lies built and built until I had gotten to a point where I pushed away all thoughts regarding my health and my weight and just acted like it wasn't an issue.
My body reminded me that it is an issue. New issues, aches, and pains forced me to look in the mirror once again. And I mean that literally. My level of disgust with myself usually caused me to avert my eyes whenever I saw a mirror that reflected anything but my face. But this day, several weeks ago, I made myself stop and look. And as corny and as dumb as I felt doing it, I made myself try to see me how others see me. Instead of focusing on my flappy arms and hanging belly, I mentally listed things that I know my friends and family love about me.
In the moment, it didn't help at all, but I see now how it started a chain of thinking that has gotten me back to a point where I am at least no longer listless and indifferent.
I've been wanting to start blogging again for a while now. I've had several people ask what in the world was going on with Stuff Your Faith and my response has consistently been, "I've been meaning to get back to it but just don't know what to write." And honestly, I still don't know what to write.
So I will just start where I started in the beginning - with being honest.
- After several ups and downs, I currently weigh more than I did when I started this blog.
- One of the major things that prevented me from starting to write again is my embarrassment over the first bullet point. I almost feel the need to apologize profusely to everyone who has rooted me on over the past year. And while I know that apologizing is unnecessary, the urge is still there.
- It is amazing to me how hard it is to deny your flesh.
- It is equally amazing to me how much easier it is to control your flesh when you think spiritually.
- It is amazing to me how easy it is to not think spiritually.
I am not typically one for self promotion, but if you know someone who is in the midst of a lifelong battle with their weight, or someone who has beaten this beast, share me with them. Not for their sake, but for my own. I am convinced that the more people I meet (even if it is just online) who can say, "YES! I know what you mean!", the more hope I have. And right now, that is what I am still clinging too - hope that it will all work out in the end.
Going forward, I plan on continuing to write here in hopes that I will at least have an outlet that will force me into a state of honest self-evaluation. Please pray for my progress. My body is not my own anymore and I don't want it to be returned to sender before it's time!
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