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I Fell Off The Wagon

10/19/2016

Tonight, for the first time since my surgery, I fell back into my old way of thinking - and I let it beat me.

I wasn’t hungry. It was late. I was watching TV. I wanted to mindlessly eat something. Anything that tasted like comfort. So I grabbed some cheese. Then I grabbed a small handful of sunflower seed crackers. Then a small pickle. Then, there were a few of those cute, grape sized multi-colored potatoes that were leftover from dinner and I grabbed some of those too. All in all, it was still significantly less than I would’ve eaten in the past, but it was significantly more than I should have eaten at one sitting now. And the calories were not productive ones.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way since surgery, but it’s the first time that I gave in. And I gave in with the mental caveat that I would “get back on track tomorrow,” which is a train of thought that got me into a lot of trouble in the past.

This incident comes on the heels of me going almost two weeks now losing and gaining the same 2 pounds. And even though I was told over and over and over again by the people who I know who’ve gone through this process that these stalls happen, my brain wants to jump to the panicky, “THIS ISN”T WORKING!” mentality. Which tonight, got the best of me. It's such a mental battle, this weight loss thing.

My logical brain knows it is working. It is working VERY well. But, "the heart is deceptive above all things and who can claim to know it?” Jeremiah 17:9 My feelings aren't right. No matter how strongly I feel them.

So tonight I am choosing to ignore the cheesy Swedish 90’s pop group Roxette’s advice and I’m not going to listen to my heart. I’m going to choose truth.

I haven’t went to bed feeling guilty about food since my gastric bypass on August 10th. I’m not going to break that streak tonight. I’m still learning. Tonight was not good but it was also not total failure.

So as I go to bed, the only thing I’m going to be thinking about is the song “It Must Have Been Love, But It’s Over Now.” Thank you Roxette.

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Naaman Syndrome

10/16/2016

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Naaman was a very powerful and influential man who had a nasty case of leprosy. Basically, he got a referral from the king to go see a prophet of God (Elisha) to be healed. When he got to Elisha’s house, Elisha sent his messenger out to tell Naaman that if he wanted to be healed, he needed to go to the Jordan River and dip himself in it 7 times. But, instead of saying, “Hey, that sounds easy enough, let me head on over to the river,” Naaman became furious. He was mad because he thought Elisha would at least give him the respect to come out himself instead of sending out a lowly messenger. It also ticked him off that Elisha didn’t just wave his hand over him and heal him, but asked him to go and do something unpleasant or what seemed to him to be unnecessary (go get in the dirty Jordan River). The Bible says that Naaman became furious and stalked away. Nearly missing out on the blessing that God was offering to him.

What happens when you expect someone to treat YOU a certain way but their reaction isn’t what you wanted or isn’t done in the way that you wanted it done? Do you become furious and stalk away like Naaman? Does your pride tell you that you haven’t been treated with as much respect as you deserve? Do you feel slighted and insulted and use it as a license to behave badly yourself?

If so, you may have Naaman Syndrome.

Had Naaman’s people not told him he was acting irrationally, he would have probably died from the disease that was literally eating away at his body. All because he felt slighted, became furious, and stalked away in a rage (2 Kings 5:11-12).

What are you stalking away from?

Your church?
Your marriage?
Your job?
A friendship?
A relationship with a family member?

If you are, check yourself first. Check to see if your reaction is truly justified or if you just aren’t getting the treatment you think you deserve. If your reaction is truly justified, then use Biblical and spiritual means to rectify it. Pray about it. Talk to the person you have taken issue with (unlike Naaman who just left). Do your best to be a peace loving person, even if it means you taking the first step towards reconciliation.

If you realize that your reaction may not be justified, there is hope. After Naaman’s people talked some sense into him (side note, if people come to you for advice in situations like these - be the friend that speaks truth to them and doesn’t fan the flames of irrationality), he ended up doing what the prophet asked of him and he was immediately healed. And in that healing, he recognized that there really was no other God other than Jehovah and he humbled himself and returned to the prophet Elisha offering his apologies and even tried to give him gifts (which the prophet declined).

Bottom line is don’t let your pride stand in the way of you receiving the healing that God is offering. You're only hurting yourself.

The story of Naaman can be read in 2 Kings 5:1-19

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Two Month Post-Op Follow Up

10/10/2016

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Today marks two months since my Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery and I am currently down 75 pounds!

I’m still not ready to run out and jog a 5k but my energy levels are noticeably better. This past weekend I was physically on the go for three straight days. We’re talking the leaving the house at 9 a.m. and getting home at 9 p.m. kind of busy. And two of those days were pretty much on the move and on my feet for the majority of the day. Six months ago, no chance that I’d have had the motivation or the ability to have done what needed to get done. This weekend was tiring…but I think it was tiring in a “normal person” kind of way.

Restrictions on the foods that I am allowed to eat have all been lifted. According to the dieticians, my body is now physically capable of eating anything, I just need to make healthy, high protein choices. I’ve found that it was much easier when I was restricted to soft foods. I knew my wheelhouse was soups, tuna salad, chicken salad, cottage cheese, etc…and I had no real issues to speak of. Now that I need to start incorporating actual textures and variety to my diet again, it’s been a little bit more challenging. Unfortunately it is a hit or miss process that doesn’t always have a clear guideline to follow. For example, I can eat grilled onions with no problems, but grilled green peppers left my 3 year old and I sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes today as I had to ride out the nausea storm before driving home. I can eat chicken and salmon but turkey and I are not compatible. I can eat yogurt, cheese, sour cream and many other types of dairy - but after drinking about a ½ cup of 1% milk last night I quickly realized that cereal is not going to be happening anytime in the near future.

I have definitely been noticing lots of small victories. I mentioned before being able to comfortably fit behind the wheel of our second car, and that I can now reach my toenails to paint them. Several of my shirts are now too big and I’ve been able to fit into some dresses and other clothes that I haven’t worn in years. A ring that was too small for me several months ago now is a little loose. Things like showering, taking the laundry downstairs, or making beds no longer qualifies as a cardiac workout. My blood pressure is staying in the normal range even after taking away two of the four medications I was on, and my doctor seems fairly confident that if I continue on along the same path that at my 6 month follow-up visit he will be able to take me off of all of them AND potentially off of my c-pap machine for sleep apnea.

Like I’ve said 1,000 times before - I don’t think that this route is necessary or the best option for a lot (I’d even say MOST) people, but for me, I’m going to rank the decision to have this surgery right up there below the decisions to become a Christian, to marry my husband, and to have our boys. I really think it’s already been life changing.

I have a LONG way to go. But if it’s true that the first few months are the worst…then I have been blessed. My quality of life for the first few months has been significantly better than the months prior to surgery.

Oh, and although my husband hates the idea of me having a male stomach, I have affectionately renamed it Barry, which is short for Bariatric.

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The Preacher's Wife

10/6/2016

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I often have people say very nice things to me about the way that they see me and my life. And I appreciate those comments, I really do. But sometimes, when they are said following a conversation where people tell me about a struggle they are going through in their own life, the inevitable words that follow are something along the lines of, “You wouldn’t understand.” It’s those three words that cause me to shrink back and make me feel like I must come across as someone who is holier-than-thou. If that is how you feel, this post is for you.

I am a woman who God has showered His blessings on. I fully recognize that and give God the glory for it. But I have not always been the woman who has had favor in God’s eyes.

I do know how it feels to have the deep joy and internal peace that comes with a genuine belief that God has all things under His control, but I also know the frustration, fear, and chaos that comes in living a life where doing what I wanted to do and doing it how I thought it should be done was the norm.

I know what it feels like to have a husband who loves me with the same protective, gentle love that Christ shows to his church, but I also know how it felt to have had a husband who was distant, irresponsible, and grumpy.

My physical needs are met and sometimes my family gets blessed with things that are above and beyond those needs, but I know about having to choose between putting gas in the car or buying milk and toilet paper. And I know about having “Pioneer Nights” when you pretend with the kids like electricity wasn’t invented yet because the light bill didn’t get paid on time and they can’t come out to reconnect it until the next day.

I know how much freedom there is in not being addicted to anything, but I also know the feeling of helplessness and the overwhelming sense of failure that goes along with being a slave to your flesh. I remember all to well the times when the deepest parts of you want to do what’s right but the forces pulling on you to give in to your temptations are almost so heavy that they take your breath away.

I know what it’s like to have people come to me for advice about spiritual things or how to fix problems in their lives, but I also remember what it was like to be the girl who people didn’t trust because I was entrenched in sin and intertwined with people who were, quite honestly, just evil.

Every day I have at least one moment where I sit back and recognize an area of my life where God has answered a prayer, provided a blessing, or given me a chance to be used by Him. And yet there are many days when I struggle with a prayer that has yet to be answered, a desire that has yet to be fulfilled, or feelings of being spiritually disconnected, ineffective, or unimportant.

So again I just want to say that I do understand. I understand the hard things in your life and I understand how those hard things can be overwhelming. But please don't feel like in order for me to fully understand, I have to currently be in the same place.

I understand that God is faithful and cannot lie. I understand that when He said in the Bible that the way of the transgressor is hard, he was talking about me. And I understand that the Bible also says that He came to give us life and to give it to us abundantly.

My life is not perfect. But it has been surrendered to a perfect God.

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