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I'm Getting My Head Checked

4/28/2016

In my last post I talked about how my insurance company requires a psych eval in order to be approved for gastric bypass. That’s coming up on May 19th. I’ve done it before and it’s pretty boring really. The first half is a computerized questionnaire designed to trip you up. You know the test – “Answer each question by selecting strongly agree, somewhat agree, neutral, somewhat disagree, or strongly disagree.” Then they ask questions like:

I loved my father.
I am liked by most people who know me.
I feel I am an important person.
I hate my father.
I am disliked by most people who know me.
I feel I am unimportant.

It’s like they are checking to see if you slip up and strongly agree with two opposite statements. Oh…but I’m onto you big brother. You won’t manipulate me into your sticky web of deception. I’m secure in my opinions of my own psychiatric well-being. I’m not drinking your shrinky kool-aid.

I sometimes feel like people are out to get me.
I never feel like people are out to get me.

But I digress. Like I said…that’s the boring evaluation.

Fake paranoia aside, I know that there is something inside my brain/heart/soul that has contributed to, or at least not stopped me from getting to the current physical situation I have found myself in regarding my weight. Because of that, I made a separate appointment with a psychologist/counselor to try and hash out and hopefully fix some things to help me stay on the right path.

One of the dieticians at OSU told me, “We can change people’s stomachs but we can’t change their brains.” If the root of what causes me to rely on food isn’t found, pulled up, and destroyed, then 5-10 years from now I could very easily be right back in the same situation I am in now. And I don’t want that to happen.

So I am going to go and talk to him. I feel like there are a hundred different directions we could go.

Why do I use food as a reward? Why do I use food to relax?
Why do I not care about myself enough to put lasting effort into my health?
Why do I think about food so much?

And since I feel like the core and center of who I am is Spiritual, it was very important to me to find a counselor who openly believes in the Bible as an authoritative source for everything in life. Because I do think that part of the issues and questions I need to face honestly are spiritual in nature.

Why am I not growing in self-control in this area of my life?
Why am I not caring for my body the way that God wants me to care for it?
Why can I not release guilt – which is an overeating trigger for me?

I am the person who gets sucked into the Facebook quizzes that tell me deep revelations about myself from 10 simple questions. What color is your aura? What dead celebrity would be your perfect spouse? If you were a dog, what dog would you be? So I am kind of looking forward to answering a bunch of questions, venting some frustrations, and just seeing where it goes.

That appointment is May 5th. Wish me luck. If you see me after that and I bark every time someone sneezes, he must have secretly hypnotized me.

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I Think I Can...I Think I Can...I Think I Can...

4/26/2016

3 Comments

Oh my word, this process takes SOOOOO long.

You know how most of your college education isn't the actual information that you learn as much as it is learning how to research, study, find answers, etc...? Well, I'm pretty sure that the point of getting approved for gastric bypass surgery isn't to determine if you are a good candidate physically. I'm pretty sure the real reason for the tests and hoops you have to jump through is simply to see if you have the mental fortitude to stick it out. Gee whiz.

I've been in the process of being approved for gastric bypass surgery since July of 2015. At the beginning of this month I thought we were ready to submit everything to insurance. I called my case worker to see what happens next. She looked at everything and realized that my insurance requires a psych eval. I told her that was the very first thing I did (per the insurance's request) so it should be in the system. It was. But my insurance wants it to be within the past 6 months.

So let's review. My insurance required me to have a psychiatric eval in July before completing anything else. Then, once I passed that, they required 9 months of physician supervised monitoring. And now that the 9 months is done, they need another psych eval. It's probably because they know that this whole ordeal can make people nutty.

The doctor they recommend's first available appointment is May 19th. Assuming I haven't lost my mind since the last visit, we will submit everything to my insurance company for approval on May 23rd. If I am approved, we're looking at a surgery date around 6 weeks from then...so who knows - maybe I'll be watching fireworks on the 4th of July from OSU's bariatric center.

I really hope I pass. I'm feeling a little twitchy.

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It's Hard To Do The Hard Thing

4/19/2016

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Self-denial is not my favorite.

Indulging? Love it.
Pampering myself? Yes please.
Cheat days? Can’t get enough of ‘em.

But no matter how I try to convince myself and the rest of the universe otherwise, saying no to the pizza, sweets, and Netflix marathons is not fun and does not bring me immediate joy.

What I need to get through my head is that in order to be successful at many things, sometimes I am just going to have to suck it up and deny myself various forms of pleasure. I know that people in the world today scream the opposite message from the rooftops - but keeping it real, people in today’s world don’t really seem to be very happy to me.

There are the “big” things -

Not happy in your marriage? Call it quits.
Not happy being single? Marry the first person who comes along that makes you feel good.
Want physical pleasure without the commitment? Just hook up with someone for the night.
Not ready to be a mom or dad? Terminate the pregnancy.
Feeling lonely or stressed? Go look at some porn.

Then there are “little” things that we are guilty of all of the time -

Don’t feel like being bothered by needy people? Don’t answer the phone.
Want some extra cash? Work hours you don’t have to and miss valuable time with your physical and spiritual families.
Have to have those shoes or that boat that you can’t afford? Charge it and burden yourself with needless debt.
Someone makes you mad in traffic? Flip them off and swear at them under your breath.
Always feel the need to be right? Demean, nag, ignore, or insult people who oppose you .
Want that 4th piece of pizza? Go for it.

But, “God wants me to be happy. He wouldn't want me to be miserable”

Yes, he does want you to be happy. And no. He doesn't want to see us miserable. He came to give us life and to give it to us abundantly (John 10:10). But He does not want us to be happy at the cost of being holy. He would much rather us be miserable in this world if it meant us being eternally happy.

Sometimes I need to rely less on whether or not something makes me feel good momentarily and realize that just like with my physical health, sometimes I need to go through some pain in order to be healthy. We do it all of the time. Immunizations, surgeries, exercise…all of these things bring some level of discomfort in the moment but reap large rewards. The same is true with these more mental/spiritual things. The things that reap the biggest rewards are usually the things that bring us the most discomfort initially.

But we are not called to do that with no help from God himself. He promises to help us and train us in these things. We just need to deny ourselves, take up our crosses, and follow Him.

“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.” Titus 2:11-14

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It's Okay To Be Unnatural

4/14/2016

1 Comment

God created child birth. He created a woman’s body uniquely to be able to handle the process of taking a life that is growing inside of her and pushing it out into her arms. There was a time when if the woman’s body was for some reason unable to successfully make it through that process, that the life of the baby, the mother, or sometimes both were ended. But through medical advances and a deeper understanding of how the body works, we now have the ability to go in and remove the baby in a sanitary and safe way via c-section when medically necessary.

My first son weighted 10 pounds, 12 oz and was 22 inches at birth. My second son weighed 13 pounds and was 24 inches long at birth. I am a lot of woman. But I am not that much woman. My body was not equipped to handle such mammoth children. Because of that I’ve had two c-sections.

So when someone says to me, “Are you sad that you didn’t get to give birth naturally,” I would often like to respond with, “Well, I’m actually just more happy that I’m not dead.” Look. I have two healthy kids. My birthing experiences were both trauma free and I bonded beautifully with both of my boys from the very beginning. While my c-sections are not exactly what God had in mind when he created my body, I have no doubt that He is completely cool with our choice to have them.

My first son I breast fed for right around a year. My second I breast fed for about 3 months before making a medical decision to switch to formula. When I share that information there is inevitably someone who gives me the “oh, you poor thing” look and reassures me that my son *probably* won’t grow up to experience an ill-effects. I do advocate breast feeding when possible, but due to medical advancements - the differences between kids on formula and those being breast fed aren’t as significant as they used to be. Honestly, my two-monther was healthier than my 11 monther. And while breastfeeding was created by God and is, when possible, the best option, I know that God does not look down on our decision to use formula.

I give you both of those examples because in both of these areas, people will often talk down to, pity, or criticize a person for doing things in a way that is contrary to what they deem to be natural. But what those people fail to realize is that while there is a BEST option (to do things naturally), sometimes there is second option that is still good when the first is not.

Many times when I talk about gastric bypass, people respond with THE question. “Why not just lose it naturally?” Here is my answer to that question. Would the BEST option be to lose the weight naturally? Yes. But since I was 13 years old I have tried and failed to actually do it. And there comes a point (and I will admit that that point was reached because of my own poor choices) when doing the natural thing is no longer the best option. The best option becomes the one that is most likely to make me NOT die. And just like the previous two examples, it is not the way that God intended for my body to be. But I have confidence that He is o.k. with the choice that I’ve made on how to remedy that problem.

I’ve learned through this process that I can’t allow myself to be bullied by other people’s opinions of my choices. Whether you’re dealing with judgments from people about whether or not you have a c-section, breastfeed, immunize, take synthetic medications, have weight loss surgery or WHATEVER…approach it first with prayer. Use common sense. Recognize that modern medicine can be a blessing, then act how you think God would want you to and trust that if you are making the wrong choice, He will make it clear.

“Blessed is the one who has no reason to pass judgment on himself for what he approves. “ Romans 14:22

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I Don't Want To Change

4/13/2016

4 Comments

Someone said to me the other day, "You have to be so excited. After you have surgery and lose all of that weight, you're going to be a totally different person." Looking back on it, I know that it was intended to be a comment that made me feel good. I know they meant that my life would change for the better and my outlook on certain things would change so much that it'd be as if I were seeing the world through a different person's eyes. But when I read the words, instead of making me feel good, it kind of had the opposite effect. What meaning I heard was, "You've got to be excited that you're going to leave the current you behind because being the current you must just be miserable." Maybe that's the interpretation of a life-long overweight person, or maybe it really was slightly insensitive - either way, I know the person's intent and heart weren't malicious.

I hope and expect that this surgery will change my life for the better. If I didn't, I wouldn't be having it. I also hope that some of the emotional issues surrounding my current physical limitations will be eased. But I don't want to be a different person. I don't want to change the fundamental outlook on life that I have or the way that I interact with other people. I'm pretty happy with me now. I generally love people and for the most part feel loved in return.

I've known girls who've lost a ton of weight and become totally different. One girl I knew lost over a hundred pounds and went from being super friendly and seemingly happy to being a completely miserable heifer. I can only assume that she thought losing weight would fix all of life's problems and the fact that her problems were still waiting there for her when she lost it was just too much for her to handle. She replaced her food addiction with an addiction to unhealthy men and the last I heard is in a pretty dark place.

I know another woman who lost a lot of weight. She had never had an eating disorder (other than overeating) while she was big. Once she lost all of the weight, THEN she developed bulimia because she was terrified of putting the weight back on.

I've heard of countless women who lose weight, find some sort of new self worth that they didn't have before, and come to some big realization that they "deserve more in life" and leave their families behind to seek out the new world they have at their fingertips.

My worth is does not go up as my weight goes down. My worth stays the same. It's because I feel valuable NOW that I know it's important to invest in myself. This is a daily reminder that I tell myself.

And starting now I need to put healthy hedges around my heart to make sure that as I shed some of the physical and emotional weight, I hold on to my true self. The self that even as my body and my clothes sizes change, will always try to see good in others, the self who loves her husband and children more than life itself, and the self who knows that more than anything else in this world, what makes a person who they are is their faith in God.

"The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

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