Blog Archives

When You Feel Out Of Control

1/20/2015

"I know I have to rely on what I know is true and not what I feel, but when my heart aches the rest of me tends to fall apart. Lord I trust in you....please pull the pieces of my world into some semblance of order again."

Those are the words I heard spoken by a friend of mine today. She is an older woman (and by older, I just mean older than me) who has faced and is continuing to face monumental giants in her life. She was talking about her own circumstances, but the truth of her words seemed so well said and clear that it helped me in my own.

First was the statement she made about when her heart aches, everything else falls apart. When I am heartbroken over something, it taints and affects every single aspect of my life. If my heart aches because I am feeling rejected or hurt, all of a sudden their every move has something to do with me. If my heart aches because I feel like I have failed as a wife, all of a sudden I am also a failure as a mother, as a daughter, sister, friend, etc...

I know that typically compartmentalizing things is not considered healthy. But I think in this case, it would be good to do so. If I feel bad about one area of my life, compartmentalizing it rather than letting it spill over into every other aspect would be the better option.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." - Proverbs 4:23

Then there was the prayer. "Lord, please pull the pieces of my world into some semblance of order again." Isn't that typically what it's all about? When we feel anxious or depressed it's usually because we feel like things are spiraling out of control. We just need to ask God to help us get back in line with everything. If I started every day by asking God to organize it in the best way He saw fit, I would save myself a lot of drama.

What a simple and effective prayer. I'm adding it to my emergency arsenal.

"Keep steady my steps according to your promise, and let no iniquity get dominion over me." Psalm 119:133

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2 Week Inventory

1/18/2015

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I'm sure you've heard of KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid). That's what I'm going for these days. No complicated formulas or graphing of my progress. I actually haven't even stepped on a scale yet. It derailed me so much last time that for now I am just focusing on making healthy choices.

Remember a few weeks ago when I said that I would be posting more often even if some posts simply said something like, "I did well today?" Well today is one of those days. I don't have anything particularly ground breaking or entertaining to share. But it does mark the first day of week number 3 of eating within a daily calorie amount...and it is still going well.

Observations this far:

Things that I need to keep an eye on: Getting bored of the same foods - I need to look for some creative and simple additions to the menu. Also, I still need to drink more water. I have been doing better, but still not great.

Things that have been going better than anticipated: I haven't been overly hungry or having overwhelming cravings for breads and potatoes as much as I have in the past.

Overeating triggers: lack of planning and I found that when I get angry, I want to eat. Have been controlling it, but have noticed it.

Lifesavers: Subway, spinach salads with strawberries, the George Foreman Grill, new found love of Salmon, and replacing salt with Mrs. Dash.

I think that's all I've got for today folks. Still trying to do my best one day at a time!

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Fight The Power

1/15/2015

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The Man. Big Brother. The Establishment.

They all try to tell me that the reason it is after 1 a.m. and I'm still not sleepy has something to do with the fact that I consume caffeinated beverages well into the night.

Well...I've seen the Pelican Brief. I know how those guys work. And I'm not falling for their anti-caffeine propaganda.

I see my friends and family buying into the lies all around me. Like mindless robots, they say things like, "Oh...it's after 9, do you have decaf?" or "No thanks, I'll just have water." Some of them have even been so deceived that they actually believe that they aren't even thirsty.

Suckers. I feel bad for them really. They don't realize that the military industrial complex that is promoting and funding all of these supposed studies that "prove" caffeine contributes to sleeplessness is really just out to exert their control over us. They want us to sleep. When we sleep, they have free reign to carry out their schemes.

Not me though. I know the truth. I may be a little twitchy. And maybe, on occasion, I might think that a Lego is actually a mouse moving on the floor. But you know what? I am alert.

I'm alert and I am enlightened to the truth.

So you just go to sleep. And sleep well knowing that there are smart people like me who are awake, watching over the rest of you sheep.

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Cheesesteaks

1/12/2015

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My husband grew up in the heart of Philadelphia. When he was 13 years old, he worked in a deli and was slinging steak and onions off of a hot grill onto hoagie rolls, covering them in gooey cheese and serving them to customers. Looking back on it, I am sure it was probably very illegal to have a child working around a hot grill, but he didn't care. $75 a week for a 13 year old in 1988...he was living the high life.

If you've never had a REAL cheesesteak, then you may not understand the obsession Philly has with them. The prissy sliced roast beef with green pepper and onion rings dipped in your choice of Au Jus or spicy mayo that you find in restaurants elsewhere...those aren't real. Those are roast beef sandwiches. Cheesesteak posers. A REAL Philly cheesesteak is chopped up steak mixed with a ton of grilled onions and melty cheese (white or whiz as they say). You can distinguish the authenticity by how the grease mixes with the mayo on the bread. And a 6-inch? Sure...if you're ordering from the kid's menu. A typical small is 12-inches. Seriously.

When we have people over, he often makes authentic cheesesteaks for people. We rarely have them when it's just us (I actually can't think of a time when we have), so I still look forward to them - Every. Single. Time. And every single time, I justify eating them because it's a "special occasion" (yeah, I am easily impressed, I know).

Well this is week 2 that I have maintained a pretty successful eating routine. The two times I have not done well...a potluck that I forgot to plan ahead for and cheesesteaks with friends the other night. At the potluck I did o.k. but had food that I didn't know how to calculate the calories for, so I think I went over quite a bit. With the cheesesteaks, I allowed for a quarter of one and was going to add a salad. Well I ate the quarter cheesesteak and instead of the salad, I just went ahead and ate 3 more quarters. Yeah, I ended up eating the whole thing - 3x what I planned for. And since I already went over my daily amount I allow myself, I went ahead and had some cheesecake too.

So the negatives are obvious. So let us proceed directly to the positives that can be taken from this. First, I now know that I MUST plan ahead. If I am going to deny myself something I really like, I must also replace it with something I really like. And second, I am aware that if I choose to eat poorly at every "special occasion" in my life - I will be eating poorly an average of 3 times a week. Both points noted. Let's move past this unfortunate incident.

The hubs had guys over for the big OSU game tonight. He made cheesesteaks again. I didn't succumb to the delicious pressure. While I am proud of myself, I must remember that pride comes before a fall. I should probably go to bed now before I go and start licking the meat and cheese off of the grill.

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Get A Grip

1/7/2015

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Everyone has problems. I have them. You have them. That person who you think has it all together perfectly has them too.

We all feel desperate and anxious when people have misrepresented us to others.
We all agonize (or have agonized) over the shortcomings of our spouse/parents/kids.
We all struggle financially.
We all have something health related that we would like to change.
We all worry that we are somehow messing up our lives or the lives of the people around us.
We've all felt a betrayal that changes the fundamental core of how we see people.

Everyone feels these things deep in their gut sometimes and feels them so strongly that the fear of it all threatens to emotionally tear us to pieces, but at the risk of sounding mean or insensitive (because believe me, I am talking more to myself than I am to you), we have to realize that this world and it's problems are not unique to us.

Do you think your husband is the only one with flaws so big they affect both of your lives?
Do you think you are the only person who knows the pain of being betrayed by a friend?
Do I think I'm the only one who struggles so much with my weight?
Do we think we are the only ones who have screwed up so badly?

I think the answer to those questions is sometimes, yes. We do think that. And so in our desperation to try and fix things, we freak out.

But we have to keep our lives in perspective and stop freaking out over everything.

We can feel emotion and feel it deeply. That is not my point. My point is that we have to have thicker skin to make it through life. We can't take our troubles and let them rule over our hearts and in our minds like a stress-spreading disease.

How does that disease look? Well for me, it doesn't LOOK like anything because I don't show it. But I often let things fester and grow in my brain to the point where I find myself continually meditating on negativity rather than positivity.

For you it may look different. Maybe when life gets at you, you stay in bed all day. Maybe you cut off the people around you. Maybe you drink. Maybe you lash out verbally. Maybe you become the victim and try to guilt those around you. Maybe you just complain incessantly to anyone and everyone who will give you a listening ear.

However it looks, we need to realize that when we let these very normal, very common stresses overtake our mental and physical well being, the problems that result are going to usually be significantly worse than what the core issue was to begin with.

I am significantly overweight. I know that poses major health concerns. But I bet that the amount of mental stress I have put myself through over the years has probably caused more significant problems than the weight itself.

I bet the constant picking and pointing out of flaws to your spouse is making them like you even less, thus increasing the likelihood of them not changing.

I bet the issues surrounding the guilt you feel over that REALLY big mistake you made is actually more damaging than the mistake itself.

Whatever cliché you want to use right now, you can use it. Let Go and Let God...sure. Jesus Take the Wheel...o.k. God is in Control...He is! God won't give you more than you can handle...It's Biblical. All of these work but they are all useless unless you honestly, deeply, and actively apply them not just to your thoughts but to your actions.

So shake yourself by the shoulders. Snap your fingers in front of your face a few times. Take a deep breath and take it down a notch. It's all gonna be o.k. Even if your worst fear is realized...if you are trying your best to walk the right walk -

You're. Going. To. Be. Okay.

"This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

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Beware of Nightfall

1/6/2015

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Today's observation...the closer it gets to night time, the greater the urge to consume foods in mass amounts. Seriously...by the time midnight rolls around, I'm ready to start tearing into raw meat.

Fought the urge to splurge two nights in a row, but it made me a grumpy, grumpy girl. Of all things, I am craving grilled cheese. I never eat grilled cheese.

Oh well. Hoping that my new found discipline lasts and that some day I will be able to slam dunk a basketball like this -

But I promise to shave my legs first.

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Day One (Yes, I know it's the 6th)

1/4/2015

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I didn't technically get to start the new healthier me plan on January 1st. Just like the rest of the country, our family has been battling the flu, strep throat, diarrhea, coughs, and fevers for what seems to be months now. So between that and the fact that I had been too busy playing nurse (or being tended to myself), I didn't actually make it to a real grocery store until Sunday (prior to that we had "see what you can find for dinner at the Dollar General 1/2 a mile up the road" type days).

But I did finally make it and here is my battle plan - I am counting calories! Sooo radical of me, I know, right!? Of course that is boring, and not a new approach, but it has been the most effective in the past. The major change this time is that I am making preparation a priority. I have pre-calculated everything. I took a few hours and made a menu of sorts. It has 3 breakfast options, 5 lunch options, 5 dinner options, and several varied snacks (salty, sweet, crunchy, creamy, etc...) listed that I can choose from at any given time. The calories for each meal and snack, including dressings, oils, etc...have already been counted and written next to the meal. So if for breakfast I choose option one, (1 Whole Wheat Bagel, 2 T Peanut Butter, and a medium Honey crisp Apple), I don't have to figure out the calories, I can just go to my food journal immediately and enter "breakfast - 480" and be done. That way I don't even have to stop and think about it. (This also helped with my grocery shopping. I only bought what was on my list, so that prevented me from having lots of extra "healthy" foods in the house that I am tempted to eat too much of.)

Some food choices that been helpful: dipping celery in salsa, grape Crystal Light, and here is the one you dentists and dieticians are going to love...Blow Pops. Yeah, that's right. Blow Pops are a part of my healthy eating plan.

Late night eating in front of the TV/Computer is easily the hardest time for me when it comes to overeating. I used to smoke. That kept my hands and mouth occupied, but when I quit that - it turned into snacking. So I figure that a 60 calorie Blow Pop isn't the healthiest choice that could possibly be made, but it takes a long time to finish and is a lot better than eating a plate of nachos or a bowl of chocolate ice cream with peanut butter mixed into it. Baby steps.

So that was today. So far so good.

One day a time...

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